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What do you call the beginning of a quest to find the best root beer?

The embarqation.

thanks dfw

What do you call a bunch of Jewish songs broken up into smaller segments?

A cantor set.

this should really be a tumblr, shouldn't it?

What do you call a bawdy playwright?

Rakespeare.

-work sucks -i know

i'm not even going to bother trying today, but i think a cool tribute band would be one that records all their songs in mono and calls themselves wink 364

and look at that ugly vowel cluster too

What's the most titillating way to profane a Muslim house of worship?

Mosqueulation.

make of this what you will

What do you call a militarily sanctioned massacre?

A spree de corps.

besides rice krispies of course

What cereal is the most communicative?

Koko Puffs.

for real this time i swear

What do you call a government that stores its annals in unchangeable public records?

ROMmunism.

meh i have math homework

What do you call someone who throws a hissy fit whenever he misses a deadline?

A juvenile delinquent.

And, we're back!

Summer's more or less over. Here we go again.

What do you call it when the QB misses up a flea flicker?

A faux pass.

yay for umlaut

Where do ceramics enthusiasts vacation in Germany?

Potter's Köln.

more like marcus licentious

Which triumvir was the most boorish?

Crassus.

Happy Bloomsday!

What do stout Irish opera singers wear for activities?

Molly Bloomers.

sigh

Who betrayed Jesus from overhead?

Judas Iscarryon.

i hope you are all watching fußball

Who is the stronghold of the German attack?

Bastion Schweinsteiger.

joplin' for something usable here

What do you call a very mechanical violin player?

Raganini.

sorry no skaggerak

What kind of encased meat cuts through Jutland?

Kielbasa.

israeli humor maybe?

What do you call someone who likes to see teeth returned to their original location?

An irredentist.

what

What do you call very terse psychoanalysis?

Lacanic.

the rest of you can look it up when you get home

What do LeRoy Carhart and Fatboy Slim have in common?

Both made money with the weapon of choice.

with just a couple of minutes to spare

How do Kenyans exercise?

Nairobics.

arid schmarid

What do you call a computer program that maps deserts using satellites?

Google Dearth.

relevancy factor: 4

What did Congress do when pastries became fatally bad?

They enacted torte reform.

a word i like, sadly more archaic than "seldom"

What do you call someone who loves to curse?

Profain.

i may be hitting a creative dry spell, meh.

What do you call a child who is constantly upset about not having a Wii?

Unconsoled.

why am i not asleep yet

What do you call someone who knows a lot about herbs?

A sage.

in poor taste, of course

I'm back from HSNCT, that was fun. Here's one I came up with on the airplane.

What was Anne Frank's favorite literary dialect?

Attic Greek.

i dreid to be grosch in my operation

What did critics of avant-garde Weimar Berlin music think of the Threepenny Opera?

They re-Weilled it.

gotta hook you in like

Why did the obnoxious singer repeat the same chorus over and over again?

He couldn't refrain from doing so.

jews only for this one

What do Biblical commentators call it when one is struck with so great an awe for God that he turns around and runs?

A reversing wow.

also applicable to tombstone carvers

What happened when the typesetter lost his box of diacritics?

It was a grave situation.

OBSERVATION

"Hova?" in Hungarian means "Where to?". So if Jay-Z ever went to Hungary, he could get in a taxi and even the cab drivers would be calling him by his name.

VAGUELY RELATED PUN

How does a canine cartoon character map out his plans despite not having opposable thumbs with which to hold a pen?

Using Blue prints.

fun fact: the spektor of regina has been dominating my musical tastes as of late

What do you call someone who peels and sells rotten corn at exorbitant prices?

A [s]huckster.

[whoops.]

who cares about oatmeal

What cereal changes least when blended?

Runny Bunches of Oats.

he'll have to adopt a new position

What do you call a ward of the state given to a baseball team?

A roster child.

woo back in nyc

Where do poets hang out in New York City?

Rhymes Square.

fyi i have a linear algebra final tomorrow

What do you call a farmer who controls his entire range?

Master of his codomain.

toffuti snooty

What do you call an erroneously made frozen dessert?

A pop[sic]le.

if only because publishers are so spineless

Lackluster books are bound to fail.

packing up things is a pain

What's the hottest time of day in Beirut?

Lebanoon.

partial cred to my roomie david emanuel for making this joke by accident

What cake do baseball players eat after advancing a runner?

A sacrifice bundt.

no more stallin

Which poet wrote juicy epigrams about all his friends?

Gossip Mandelstam.

yesss bilingual puns

What did Louis XV say after a particularly sloppy kiss?

"Après mwah, le déluge."

In honor of the election

What do you call a Eurosceptic fish?

A UKIPper.

[ınsert tıttle here]

Which dictator has the most replay value?

Slo-modan Milošević.

or should the b just move entirely?

What do people from Charleston call cirrhosis?

Bourbon blight.

yay it defaults to pst so it's still yesterday

What was Justinian's favorite cocktail?

A Byzantini.

in honor of b. eve corman

How do you represent a program that simulates apocalyptic nanotechnology?

With a gray GUI.

short and somewhat sweet

What do apocalyptic horses say?

"The end is neigh!"

whatever i'm tired

What do you call a tuba-playing midget?

An oom-pah Loompa.

a novel concept

What do you call a two-volume novel?

A roman à cleft.

a very palpable twit

What do you call it when you start to believe pernicious rumors about yourself?

Being hoisted by your own canard.

have fun at spring weekend guys

What do you call it when you get so drunk you can't stress vowels?

Schwasted.

this doesn't really work, says my floormate. well i think she's wrong kinda?

How do prostitutes relay their nightly deeds to their pimps?

A debriefing.

so this is obscure but i like it too much to forsake it

What did Lemminkäinen cry as he was drowning in the river of Tuonela?

"Louhi, Louhi, lama sebachthani?"

so here i am studying for a linear algebra midterm

What mathematical tool models the evolution of mammals?

A furrier transform.

just peachy

A farmer in Georgia wants to plant the most lucrative crop, and he has wheat and cotton seeds. He had heard that both grow quickly, but each have pests that attack violently and damage much of the crop. After some investigation, he determines that the cotton pest is worse. So he plants wheat, because that involves the lesser of two weevils.

this is almost a tweet

A man always used to listen to music on his really good speakers while spending time with his girlfriend, so that all his senses could be better enhanced. Soon, though, he became conditioned—the mere sight of those speakers sent him quivering with delight. He had managed to inextricably link Bose and eros.

hitting the ball pall-mall and all

Where do solid golfers serve in government?

Par-liament.

and monarchs gather taxes in levy-a-thons

Sorry for the hiatus, I was off winning a national championship.

What sea creature is nasty, brutish, and short?

A Hobbester.

hope i don't bollix this one up

What operating system is the best for imperial courts?

Eunuchs.

guest puns are the best puns

Here's a guest pun from Daniel Solomon.

What is required for effective governance in Central Europe?

Czechs and Balances!

oh my god this is awful

What branch of math best suits mermaids?

Algae-bra.

it's right there in the setup

What do you call a sailor with a good command over punctuation?

A commadore.

it's baseball season guys!

What are the most lucrative pastries?

Profiteroles.

i came up with this one and yesterday's at the dinner table last night and my dad preferred this one

What do you call a longshoreman whose father has died?

A grievedore.

the ban on love kinda?

What did Wagner call his opera about tragic infidelity?

Trystin' and Isolde.

a pun in hell, brought to you by arthur marimbaud

What do you call a kitschy xylophone?

A schlockenspiel.

pay to byrsa

What poem takes place in the Carthaginian kingdom by the sea?

Hannibal Lee.

and what's the deal with pommel horses?

Why did the imperfect gymnast give up his professional career?

It was untenable.

knife in hell

What did Matt Groening call his show about surgeons in the 30th century?

Suturama.

otto rank and file

Why are hospitals in Western Australia so full?

The Trauma of Perth.

he saw tirane out the window, sitting on his yggdrasill

Who is the ancestor of all Albanian squirrels?

Ratatosk.

"oh, oh oh oh oh oh. that is sad." --my father

What kind of eggplant can you find all around the world?

A globergine.

berlin's meard!

What do Germans sing when they're waiting for their pickles to be ready?

Watch on the Brine.

purls before swine

What do you call a knitted automobile?

A cable car.

midterms have lain waste to my wordsmithy

Why do barbarians fear paradoxes that stop them from shooting their arrows at Athens effectively?

Because they're Zenophobic.

this joke is more tasteless than a dude with a cold

I want to release a card-based strategy game based on suicide. I'll call it Splat-O-Matic.

oh whoops i forgot to post yesterday my bad

What do you call Hungarian cockroaches?

Budapests.

did i spell that right?

Which basketball coach is the most high-strung?

Lute Olsen.

isLAMEy

Which Russian composer is the starchiest?

Mealy Balakirev.

i blame the lateness on daylight savings

What vow did the triplet competitive eaters take before facing off against their rivals?

The Oath of the Voracii.

warchan

What do you call it when /b/tards flood hapless forums with witty comments?

Drolling.

yeah this is terrible whatever

Sorry for the skipped day; I've been a bit sick recently. On that note:

Which disease is the most expensive to eradicate?

Dollara.

plato the line

Which pre-Socratic philosopher is the stupidest?

Heraclitus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

pimento mori

Out of all the fruits and vegetables, which are the most diverse?

Sundry tomatoes.

duck and cover

What do ducks like to smoke?

Quacky tobacky.

this one's somewhat on the arcane side i guess?

What aria did Puccini write at Yankee Stadium?

"O mio bambino caro".

Thanks to Becca Corman for inspiration

What was Mandy Moore's best experience at a Chinese restaurant?

A Wok to Remember.

general tsober

What do you call it when you savagely eat your Chinese food?

Wonton destruction.

and he eats jacob barley

Where does Tiny Tim cram for exams?

In a Christmas carrel.

Lost and Foundry

What do Old West towns have in common with fonts?

The worst ones are sans sheriff.

mope-a-dope

What do you call someone who mopes all around the city?

Peripathetic.

que tara tara

What would you call Katharina Blum if she had grown up in Alabama?

The belle of the Böll.

sorry for being so lat-e as to not post yesterday

How do you overwork American conductors?

Send them on a baton death march.

yitzchak rabid disapproval

Which Israeli contains the most text?

Tanachem Begin.

Aesir what you did there

Flying Norse farmers must live off a wing and a Freyr.

romani fever

Which dog is the best at playing gypsy guitar?

Django Lassie.

Caves and Graves

What do you call rock formations poking out of the floor of POW camps?

Stalagmites.

And a bonus

How does John McEnroe, newspaper editor, reject comic strips?

YOU CANNOT BE SERIAL

Český vtip

Here's a little something I came up with in Czech today.

„Karaoke je zpívat s pivem.“
Literally: Karaoke is singing with beer.The last two words pronounced, of course, "spivat spivem". Hilarious, I know.

orthography jokes

What's a Greek writer's favorite cured meat?

Gammon.

The Road to Wigennui

What did George Orwell call his chronicle about that time he was too tired to get out of bed?

Homage to Catatonia.

And did that feat in modern times

A well-stocked expedition goes into the desert to find a mythical river. Six months later, they return, tired, hungry, ragged, and out of materials.

The investigation ruled it dearth by misadventure.

Schmuckers: It Has to be Good

Where do Jewish housewives store their condoms?

In shtupperware containers.

Ukraine Wife

Here's a guest pun from Matt Grossman.

Why did the fisherman move to Odessa?

He wanted his business to be in the Black.

Brno stoppin me now

What happens when you go restaurant hopping around Moravia for a year?

You pick up the Czech.

Roll for Constitution Hall

What do you call it when nerds dress up like a society woman from a fantasy novel?

DARping

GOLD, JERRY, GOLD

What candy wafers are the most ornate?

Art Necco

Oh no, I am nearly half an hour late

I made something of this ilk a bunch of times already today. Whatever.

What do you call it when Reggie Bush scores a touchdown?

A saint goes marching in.

On the fringes of society

What do observant Jews wear when singing Spem in alium?

A Thomas Tallis.

Another Puntry

Where can you get the best encased meats on Borneo?

Brunei Darussalami.

Brown in-joke?

How is diffusion like a Brown student switching from physics to classics to English to ethnic studies to modern culture and media?

Both involve sliding down the concentration gradient.

What did Cleisthenes use to expand x from 400 to 500?

Boulean algebra.

Boa and Arrows

What kind of snake overthrows governments?

A usurpent.

The Murder and Life of Punsters

What do you call features of neighborhoods such as safety and traffic on sidewalks, mixed primary usage, and ability to band together on important issues against corporations?

Jacobian determinants.

BARRAGE OF PUNS

Which linguist is the most decorative?
Gnome Chomsky.

Which linguist is the hungriest?
Noam Chompsky.

Which linguist goes downhill the fastest?
Noam Chomski.

Which linguist has seven hills?
Rome Chomsky.

Which linguist has the longest, most flexible nose?
Edward Tapir.

lowest common denominator whatever

What's the drunkest former SSR?

Boozebekistan.

Invoking Ire

What causes Irish republicans to nonetheless support Northern Ireland?

Ulsterior motives.

Yurts are funny

Here's a guest pun from an anonymous contributor. Enjoy!

Why is a Mongol invasion a piecemeal process?

They like to do it steppe by steppe.

What happened when customs on the Straits of the Johor became really easy to get through?

The borders became Singaporous.

Peter Pan now has wifi, guys

What did Greyhound get when they accidentally loaded one of their charter vehicles with short-range guns?

A blunder bus.

Cocklofts and actual height notwithstanding

When they stacked up all sitcom actors, who came out on top?

Brad Garret.

Drinking vassals

First woodwinds rule their own private fifedoms.

Serious Literary Analysis!

Why did The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana consist of 300 pages of simply describing midcentury Italian popular culture?

It was written by Umberto Echo.

As virtuous men pass jello-moldly away

What poem compares death to eating a nice dessert?

Flanatopsis.

LINGUISTICS PUN THE SECOND

The Gaelic lenition system is completely insane. They use everything but the kitchen sink. In short, they've really pulled out all the stops on that one.

Despatches from the Dogpile

How do you find Platonic solids on the internet?

You use the Lycosahedron.

Aaand I'm Back

Destiny and Hope being, of course, entirely theological concepts.

Whose butterflies fly away when a Jesu song is on?

Miley Prioress.

The circle traditionally represents mother goddesses, right? Well maybe when the chorus chants "Circlecirclecircle" in Einstein, it's really sex.

In becoming truly successful, a female minimalist composer must break the Glass ceiling.

LINGUISTICS PUN THE FIRST

How does the government of Linguistics Land make its money?

It levies on verboten grammatical constructions a sin tax.

Ars Poetica

A poet is late for his deadline on a new collection of poetry, so his publisher hounds him, asking him why he hasn't submitted his stuff. When the publisher finally finds him, the poet merely shrugs his shoulders. This infuriates the publisher, because he has neither rhyme nor reason.

Highways

What do you call it when the HOV lane merges into the regular lane, causing a traffic jam?

Carpool tunnel syndrome.

First Synagogue of Guernsey

What's a cow's favorite part of Shabbat services?

The Moo-saf.

And which prayer in the Moo-saf does a cow like best?

The Cud-dish.

My mom told me about this scene in "Tootsie" where a mime is pretending to walk on a tightrope and Dustin Hoffman's character pushes him

What happened when the lollipop entered a boxing match?

He took a licking.






BONUS PUN: He had to be a real Dum-Dum to do it. Nonetheless, he managed to Charm the audience before he received his first Blow.

Autointelligence

What's the smartest car ever made?

The Model T; it's a Turing car.

North Polaroid

Why did Santa send a Sámi elf to the department store when he was too tired to go himself?

That way kids could still sit on his Lapp.

Those crazy Belgians

It's the 17th century in Belgium, and the king of Belgium is in a snit because he had sent five envoys to the Vatican, only to have them killed in a religious controversy. So the king turns to his Minister of State, Harry, and he says to Harry, "Harry, there must be some way to get retaliation on these dastardly Catholics! I can't suffer them in my kingdom any longer." And Harry says, "Don't worry, Mr. King, I'll talk to the clergy, and we'll take care of it."

A few months later, a mysterious illness sweeps across the nation. All of the Catholics in Belgium catch a cold and die. The king is jubilant, and he goes back to Harry, and he says, "Harry, how did you do it? How did you manage to make this attack even more successful than what Rome could ever do?" So Harry turns to the king, and says, "Well, Mr. King, nobody expectorates the Flemish Inquisition."

Introduction

I come up with a lot of puns in my daily life, so finding one good pun a day to post shouldn't be too herculean a task. Some may be long-form; most will probably just be a sentence or two. My reference space may be large and varied. Maybe I'll explain some if they're particularly arcane.

They say that puns are the lowest form of entertainment. Like Veronica Lake and Robert Preston, the least I can do is gun for higher.