short and somewhat sweet

What do apocalyptic horses say?

"The end is neigh!"

whatever i'm tired

What do you call a tuba-playing midget?

An oom-pah Loompa.

a novel concept

What do you call a two-volume novel?

A roman à cleft.

a very palpable twit

What do you call it when you start to believe pernicious rumors about yourself?

Being hoisted by your own canard.

have fun at spring weekend guys

What do you call it when you get so drunk you can't stress vowels?

Schwasted.

this doesn't really work, says my floormate. well i think she's wrong kinda?

How do prostitutes relay their nightly deeds to their pimps?

A debriefing.

so this is obscure but i like it too much to forsake it

What did Lemminkäinen cry as he was drowning in the river of Tuonela?

"Louhi, Louhi, lama sebachthani?"

so here i am studying for a linear algebra midterm

What mathematical tool models the evolution of mammals?

A furrier transform.

just peachy

A farmer in Georgia wants to plant the most lucrative crop, and he has wheat and cotton seeds. He had heard that both grow quickly, but each have pests that attack violently and damage much of the crop. After some investigation, he determines that the cotton pest is worse. So he plants wheat, because that involves the lesser of two weevils.

this is almost a tweet

A man always used to listen to music on his really good speakers while spending time with his girlfriend, so that all his senses could be better enhanced. Soon, though, he became conditioned—the mere sight of those speakers sent him quivering with delight. He had managed to inextricably link Bose and eros.

hitting the ball pall-mall and all

Where do solid golfers serve in government?

Par-liament.

and monarchs gather taxes in levy-a-thons

Sorry for the hiatus, I was off winning a national championship.

What sea creature is nasty, brutish, and short?

A Hobbester.

hope i don't bollix this one up

What operating system is the best for imperial courts?

Eunuchs.

guest puns are the best puns

Here's a guest pun from Daniel Solomon.

What is required for effective governance in Central Europe?

Czechs and Balances!

oh my god this is awful

What branch of math best suits mermaids?

Algae-bra.

it's right there in the setup

What do you call a sailor with a good command over punctuation?

A commadore.

it's baseball season guys!

What are the most lucrative pastries?

Profiteroles.

i came up with this one and yesterday's at the dinner table last night and my dad preferred this one

What do you call a longshoreman whose father has died?

A grievedore.

the ban on love kinda?

What did Wagner call his opera about tragic infidelity?

Trystin' and Isolde.

a pun in hell, brought to you by arthur marimbaud

What do you call a kitschy xylophone?

A schlockenspiel.