BARRAGE OF PUNS

Which linguist is the most decorative?
Gnome Chomsky.

Which linguist is the hungriest?
Noam Chompsky.

Which linguist goes downhill the fastest?
Noam Chomski.

Which linguist has seven hills?
Rome Chomsky.

Which linguist has the longest, most flexible nose?
Edward Tapir.

lowest common denominator whatever

What's the drunkest former SSR?

Boozebekistan.

Invoking Ire

What causes Irish republicans to nonetheless support Northern Ireland?

Ulsterior motives.

Yurts are funny

Here's a guest pun from an anonymous contributor. Enjoy!

Why is a Mongol invasion a piecemeal process?

They like to do it steppe by steppe.

What happened when customs on the Straits of the Johor became really easy to get through?

The borders became Singaporous.

Peter Pan now has wifi, guys

What did Greyhound get when they accidentally loaded one of their charter vehicles with short-range guns?

A blunder bus.

Cocklofts and actual height notwithstanding

When they stacked up all sitcom actors, who came out on top?

Brad Garret.

Drinking vassals

First woodwinds rule their own private fifedoms.

Serious Literary Analysis!

Why did The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana consist of 300 pages of simply describing midcentury Italian popular culture?

It was written by Umberto Echo.

As virtuous men pass jello-moldly away

What poem compares death to eating a nice dessert?

Flanatopsis.

LINGUISTICS PUN THE SECOND

The Gaelic lenition system is completely insane. They use everything but the kitchen sink. In short, they've really pulled out all the stops on that one.

Despatches from the Dogpile

How do you find Platonic solids on the internet?

You use the Lycosahedron.

Aaand I'm Back

Destiny and Hope being, of course, entirely theological concepts.

Whose butterflies fly away when a Jesu song is on?

Miley Prioress.

The circle traditionally represents mother goddesses, right? Well maybe when the chorus chants "Circlecirclecircle" in Einstein, it's really sex.

In becoming truly successful, a female minimalist composer must break the Glass ceiling.

LINGUISTICS PUN THE FIRST

How does the government of Linguistics Land make its money?

It levies on verboten grammatical constructions a sin tax.

Ars Poetica

A poet is late for his deadline on a new collection of poetry, so his publisher hounds him, asking him why he hasn't submitted his stuff. When the publisher finally finds him, the poet merely shrugs his shoulders. This infuriates the publisher, because he has neither rhyme nor reason.

Highways

What do you call it when the HOV lane merges into the regular lane, causing a traffic jam?

Carpool tunnel syndrome.

First Synagogue of Guernsey

What's a cow's favorite part of Shabbat services?

The Moo-saf.

And which prayer in the Moo-saf does a cow like best?

The Cud-dish.

My mom told me about this scene in "Tootsie" where a mime is pretending to walk on a tightrope and Dustin Hoffman's character pushes him

What happened when the lollipop entered a boxing match?

He took a licking.






BONUS PUN: He had to be a real Dum-Dum to do it. Nonetheless, he managed to Charm the audience before he received his first Blow.

Autointelligence

What's the smartest car ever made?

The Model T; it's a Turing car.

North Polaroid

Why did Santa send a Sámi elf to the department store when he was too tired to go himself?

That way kids could still sit on his Lapp.

Those crazy Belgians

It's the 17th century in Belgium, and the king of Belgium is in a snit because he had sent five envoys to the Vatican, only to have them killed in a religious controversy. So the king turns to his Minister of State, Harry, and he says to Harry, "Harry, there must be some way to get retaliation on these dastardly Catholics! I can't suffer them in my kingdom any longer." And Harry says, "Don't worry, Mr. King, I'll talk to the clergy, and we'll take care of it."

A few months later, a mysterious illness sweeps across the nation. All of the Catholics in Belgium catch a cold and die. The king is jubilant, and he goes back to Harry, and he says, "Harry, how did you do it? How did you manage to make this attack even more successful than what Rome could ever do?" So Harry turns to the king, and says, "Well, Mr. King, nobody expectorates the Flemish Inquisition."

Introduction

I come up with a lot of puns in my daily life, so finding one good pun a day to post shouldn't be too herculean a task. Some may be long-form; most will probably just be a sentence or two. My reference space may be large and varied. Maybe I'll explain some if they're particularly arcane.

They say that puns are the lowest form of entertainment. Like Veronica Lake and Robert Preston, the least I can do is gun for higher.